Stop Trying Not to Want What You Want

Let’s talk about something that too many people navigating ethical non-monogamy (ENM) silently wrestle with:

You’re trying not to want what you actually want.

You’ve felt it for years—even decades. The desire to explore multiple relationships. The excitement of sex outside of your primary partnership. The craving for new energy, sensuality, kink, connection, freedom. But instead of honoring it… you suppress it. You try to will it away.

Why? Because society told you that to be worthy of love, you had to only want one person. Because religion framed desire as dangerous. Because 10 years ago, you said vows that didn’t fully align, but you went through with them anyway. Because family. Because fear. Because shame.

And yet, the desire persists.

Here’s the truth: Suppressing your authentic desires doesn’t make you noble. It makes you divided.

And over time, that internal split causes harm. You might start hiding parts of yourself. You may struggle to stay faithful—not because you're selfish, but because you're starving. You feel the stress, the guilt, the resentment building—and still, you try to push the truth down deeper.

But here's what I need you to know: You can’t heal by hiding.

You deserve to be in relationships where you don’t have to fragment yourself. Where you can show up as your whole, complex, evolving self. Where your desires aren’t treated as threats—but as sacred parts of you.

This doesn’t mean the journey will be easy. Being honest might disappoint people. It might shake the structure you've built. But it’s not as damaging as what happens when you keep betraying your own truth just to keep the peace.

You don’t have to abandon your values to live authentically. But you may have to revisit them. Refine them. Expand them. Ask yourself hard questions like:

• What do I really want—and have I ever said it out loud?

• Whose expectations am I trying to meet?

• What would it look like to be honest—even if it’s uncomfortable?

You may be afraid of hurting others, but ask yourself this: What’s the cost of continuing to hurt yourself?

If this hits close to home, know that you are not broken—you are becoming. You’re becoming the version of yourself that no longer hides from their truth.

And if you need support in that process—that’s exactly what my coaching and my new workbook are here for.

Inside An African-American Guide to Ethical Non-Monogamy: The Workbook, I walk you through the emotional, relational, and practical shifts of showing up as your whole self—without shame.

Your desires are not wrong. Your honesty is not a threat. Your truth is not too much.

It’s time to stop trying not to want what you want.

Because a full, authentic life is waiting for you.

? Taylor Sparks
ENM Coach | Erotic Educator

Explore the Workbook + Bonus Conversation Starter Deck: HERE
Book a 20-Minute Clarity Call: HERE